Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I can't believe I watched To Catch a Predator for 2 hours yesterday

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Showering is just a meme invented by Big Hydro to get your money. Don't buy into it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Monday, July 11, 2016

Someone used a drone to cheat at Pokemon Go but that sounds expensive so I'm just gonna tape my phone to a Roomba and set it free

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Dear guy who owns the Pokemon Go gym of the mall near my house: Fuck that shit you can have it I'm not fucking with a Dragonite

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

My life's dream is to be the guy in the background yelling World Star

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I think my phones racist because it can't get the racial emojis. People tell me it's because it's old, but that's no excuse for being racist

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Complaining about the DMV, I feel like an adult now

If you've ever made an "electronic remix" of a rap song, please knife yourself

Sunday, June 5, 2016

I can't remember the last time I've made a post that wasn't typed up on the toilet

Thursday, June 2, 2016

I hope Trump picks the lead singer of Smash Mouth as his VP

I have facial hair because I'm too lazy to shave

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Reminder that the original Nintendo DS came out 12 years ago

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

" I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" is my favorite anime

My favorite meme has got to be the one where my fucking bus doesn't show up when it's supposed to. Fuck

Friday, May 6, 2016

Lil Caesars pizza should be classified as a war crime

I once asked a friend the weirdest place he's ever masturbated and he responded "On top of my fridge"

Friday, April 29, 2016

Thursday, April 21, 2016

I just farted into a fan and I like fucking gassed myself holy shit

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Chinese food takeout box says microwave safe but I don't trust it

I cut the roof of my mouth on an extra crispy chicken wing about 7 hours ago and it still hurts

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I don't leave a water fountain when I'm no longer thirsty, I leave when I feel like it'd be awkward to drink any longer

Sunday, April 10, 2016

What is it about chef boyardee that just screams depression

The loudest shit I've ever taken was in a movie theater bathroom. Room shaking.

I just took a really loud shit

Friday, March 18, 2016

I have a paper to write but I just took a really uncomfortable shit and its hard to focus

Sitting alone practicing my dabs just in case

Thursday, March 17, 2016

I wanna go to the store but I don't wanna put on pants. Send help.

How do I win over a girls heart with memes?

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

I just got a test back with a negative grade on it. I got a negative 4

Monday, February 15, 2016

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I can't wait until I get home so I can take a big shit

"Antidepressants that don't take away the joys of maaturbation?"

Monday, February 1, 2016

The quality of a show is directly proportional to how many people die in it

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The current human interaction meta is based entirely on emotions. Personally I main the 😮 face.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

I can't check twitter in public anymore because it's now 90% porn

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Monday, January 4, 2016