I didn't wear pants all Christmas

My Christmas dinner is Chinese takeout

Tbh my favorite part about this time of the year is the Christmas themed hentai

https://youtu.be/yO7MWuJ7zLA

Why are presidents always charmasitc guys with families? We need a fat mess who doesn't know how people work because he spent the last 50 years memorizing law books and running economic simulators

Space Jam but instead of basket ball players, pageant dogs

My prediction for the Smash announcement is Wolf and a XCX character. Calling it now.

I wish we could favorite memes cause I need the eggplant emoji on command

My ex didn't like Kanye West so it's probably for the best we broke up

Just farted on my moms pillow. Take that, bitch

I don't send dick pics I send dick mp3s

Space Jam but rap battles instead of basketball

Once Minecraft for WiiU comes out I'm joining a competitive Minecraft clan

The other day I heard someone get called a "meme machine" and I'm still jealous

Are Ben Carson and Hannibal Buress the same person? Serious question

I missed the latest semi annual white people meeting. Can someone tell me what the "Shorts in 0 degree weather" thing is about? Thanks

People with the same haircut as me like to acknowkedge me on the street like we have some sort of connection and I'm not feeling it

I'm under a bridge and some guy is doing pull ups on a random metal bar sticking out of the wall and its the most ghetto thing imaginable

Ever have somewhere to go so you try to take a shit real quick but the shit just doesn't stop coming? That's me whole I type this

Whenever I met someone new, instead of introducing myself, I should open with "do you like 2chainz"

I get my clothes from a really high end fashion store called walmart

Anyone who tries to hold a conversation with you through a bathroom door while you're taking a shit needs a good shot in the face

The other day I saw a picture of a pizza and the topping was tinier slices of pizza and honestly I'm still salivating

My Thanksgiving dinner is a sandwich from a gas station.

If I've known someone for 5 years I've known them for over a fourth of my life. That shit freaks me out

https://youtu.be/XDNOGSsTsp4

My greatest weakness: I can't moonwalk

Caving in and buying a PS4 and Fallout 4

I feel wrong when shuffle puts on a song from a dead artist and I skip it

"You wanna get something to eat and play fallout?" Is possibly the best text I've ever received

I just made a pb&j in complete darkness and have come to the conclusion it should be a gameshow

Holding an umbrella makes me feel kinda gay so I hold it like a weapon to regain my fragile masculinity.

I want to eat pop tarts but the more pop tarts I eat tonight the less pop starts I have to eat tomorrow

"How can I ask him for dick pics without getting banned from miiverse?"

This shit is fucking great https://youtu.be/DbE1uL7mhmI

Do you think you've ever driven past a car with a corpse in the trunk

I have to poop but I don't feel like getting out of bed

You don't know struggle until you need to put a chicken sandwich in your pocket to save it for later

Quick, someone teach me intermediate accounting before my test starts in 30 minutes

I've had an empty bag of chips longer than pretty much any of my friendships. Does that say something about me?

When you think of a hilarious joke no one you know would get

4/10 would impregnate

Why do people walk up escalators. Like shit, can't I just enjoy the ride?

I think I know more people who have played undertale than not

Missed my bus cause I was taking a shit

It's weird that God doesn't like sodomy considering he fucks me so much

I tried going to youtube while eating a poptart and somehow accdientally typed "pop tart" into the URL bar

I'm pretty bothered by the fact that "Trife" isn't an actual word.

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" -Someone with a fundamental misunderstanding of space

The other day I over tipped a delivery guy because I couldn't understand his accent and now I'm afraid to order from there again because he probably has expectations

My art 101 class had this assignment where we needed to bring in a piece of "art" that wasn't art. Some guy brought in a meme about weed and explained to our teacher is concept of memes and "dank memes" while I sat in the back laughing my ass off

Some girl in my class is telling my psych teacher she wants to buy her turtle clothing and he sounds baffled

I probably would have dropped out of highschool had they not offered me food everyday

I don't get why my friends ask me to not make suicide jokes
If you don't like suicide jokes why do you even talk to me?

The only funny thing about Amy Schumer is that she thinks she's attractive

Why does every parent refer to their kid as shy?
Like your kid isn't shy he fucking screams in public

When I have music playing my phones wallpaper is the album cover. So sometimes it looks like my wallpaper is a man on fire.

My resting expression is "Im looking for my next victim"

It's same-sex cannibalism gay? I think it's kinda gay

When you fart at a bus stop and need to hope the bus becomes before someone else walls up to the bus stop

I got caught in the rain on my way to school and its so cold in here my nipples could be used to cut diamonds

Why are people who play Nintendo games inherently better people than those who play other games?

Public transportation smells like what I assume the internet would smell like

I'm in an art 101 class. Everyone is fat, the one guy is noticeably gay from miles away, and some guy with a pedo stache just spontaneously folded an origami swan.

People discuss coffee like it's fucking drugs or something and as someone who doesn't drink it, it weirds me the fuck out.

I started making a PB&J before realizing I was out of jelly do now I've spent like 30 fucking minutes trying to eat this fucking peanut butter sandwich and its horrible

If I don't get some cake today I'm not making it to my next birthday

I put my friends into tiers. I feel like if I told a psychiatrist that they'd put me on a bunch of fucking medications.

If I try to use swype on my phone to type "gay" it interprets it as "gaaay"

Those weird religious people who hand out pamphlets stepped their game up and gave me a whole book

I once heard someone say "The dumbest Republicans are dumber than the dumbest Democrats, but the smartest Democrats aren't as smart as the smartest Republicans"
Where are these "smart Republicans" you speak of any why are none of them running for president?

Just an observation, anyone who uses a messenger bag instead of a book bag has a lot of fucking issues.

The only thing that can get me out of bed is food. I am officially the lowest form of human life.

Fetishs are kinda like reverse phobias

I usually gauge people by seeing how much I can curse in their presence before they say something about it

Speech to text seems really cool until its 7 a.m. and I'm yelling Space Jam in my phone

I think my mom is secretly gay

My life's goal is for people to write homosexual fan fiction about me

Imagine all the memes that'll be made if trump wins.
A vote for trump is a vote for memes.

I tried doing some soul searching. All I found was a half eaten slice of pizza.

All of my friends are creating interesting things and I'm just sitting here writing posts no one reads.

I don't trust websites where the "sign up" button is bigger than the "log in" button

Why do video game skies look better than real life skies?

If I ever heard someone say "Peanut butter and jam" I'd punch them in the fucking mouth.

I just spent about 5 minutes in front of a pot, waiting for water to boil, until I realized the stove wasn't on.

Final Fantasy XIII needed several discs to store all that disappointment.

If I click a video and it has Call Me Maybe playing in the background, I stop watching the video.

http://imgur.com/eBFNlBg
My mom bought a minion cupcake.

Destroying that robot was the most philly thing to happen in the history of philly.

It's 2:00. I just looked at a text from 1:30 and thought "Damn, that was 70 minutes ago?"